The Struggle Is Real

This girl right here didn’t know she had bipolar disorder. She knew she had problems keeping her emotions in check. She knew she had struggled on and off with drug abuse. She knew she had made bad decisions in the past. She knew she wanted to do better. So she sought treatment, received her diagnosis, and started taking medications. But she didn’t do the inner work…

…to heal this girl right here. This girl right here gave her entire self away. She gave away her heart, her body, and her choices. She let herself be controlled out of fear–fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone. This girl right here was easily convinced, manipulated, and influenced. She was dying to fit in. She didn’t feel like she was enough–not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy enough for the attention she so desperately craved. This girl right here jumped out of her marriage, moved onto the next guy, and kept pushing forward from one relationship to the next.

Enter in this girl right here. This girl right here loved fiercely, but had no amount of self-esteem. Her lack of confidence etched her into jealous mode 100% of the time. She had no self-control and lashed out at those she said she loved the most. The abuse she had experienced in other relationships seeped into how she now reacted to situations. The abused became the abuser. She used her new diagnosis of bipolar disorder to explain it all. And while some of that was true, not dealing with past trauma caused her to break and become…

…this girl right here. This girl right here was desperately seeking validation. She was newly single, but instead of taking time to slow down and getting more in touch with herself, she got swept away in the promise of a fairy tale. She believed in the knight in shining armor and thought she had found just that. With the remains of her last longterm relationship still tearing at her heart, she dove head first into an engagement to her new boyfriend of only two months. Two months of him pursuing her and wooing her turned into two and a half years of walking on eggshells, failing to earn the love she had been promised, and finally leaving to protect her son.

This girl right here was angry to her core. She cut off her hair, threw away the idea of love, and swore off men forever. She began focusing on what she wanted for her life, but she was always so mad. She lashed out at those who loved her and wanted to help her heal. She bit and chewed and ran and shoved away. She finally started to stand on her own feet and began moving forward. She found God and found herself. This girl wanted to live medication free and relationship free. This worked for a little while, but as time went by things inevitably changed.

This girl right here finally FINALLY found the love she had dreamed about since she was a little girl. She was happy, safe, loved, and accepted just as she was. Her husband was patient, kind, understanding, and fiercely loyal. Along the way, the depression side of her bipolar disorder wouldn’t let up, so she realized medication was needed. That helped tremendously and things were going well until…

…this girl right here decided to share her story. This girl right here wanted more than anything to help others who struggled with mental illness. She wanted to shed light on drug addiction and domestic abuse. She began writing her blog, and once she began sharing the details of her experiences, she began to struggle with depression and anger. She thought she had moved forward and had forgiven those who wronged her, but she truly hadn’t dealt with any of it. So she…so I…

I had a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago that led me to a deep, dark place that scared me. I understand why people advise not to write publicly about things you’ve not yet healed from. Reliving these situations has left me feeling raw and exposed. While I plan to continue sharing, I am going to have to be careful how I go about it.

I have a new therapist who is helping me do the inner work I need in order to heal. It will take time, no doubt. I guess I’m sharing this post right now to let you know, if I go quiet for a spell, I’m processing things. While I can’t cure my bipolar disorder, I can certainly heal the wounds of the abuse and the self-loathing I’ve been inflicting upon myself. I think it’s important for me to remain transparent with you, my readers. I want you to know you aren’t alone in your own struggles. I’m struggling too. So let’s take it one step at a time.