In the Middle of a Depressive Episode

I’m struggling lately. I’ve been sick for about a month now, and my doctor can’t figure out why. I’ve been tested for covid three times–all negative. White blood count is a little bit low, indicating there may be some sort of virus my body is dealing with, but I’m starting to think, some of this may not be virus related. I have no doubt, I’m also in the middle of a depressive episode.

This year has been hard on everyone, I know that. Covid-19 has affected the health of some people bodily, and it has affected most people’s mental health as well. We’ve had to develop a new way of doing things. It’s been stressful for everyone. But this year has also been difficult for other reasons.

This is the year we’ve been learning to live without both family matriarchs. My dad’s mother, my Nana. My mom’s mother, my Granny.

This is the year we’ve been learning to live without our sweet canine furbaby girl Queenie, and our loving feline furbaby dude Oliver.

This year has also been filled with other changes.

As of this fall, my son is now a senior in high school. Our time with him at home is drawing to a close. He’ll be in college a year from now. Also, he waited until recently to get his license, so that has added some anxiety. But he’s a young man now. And this mama’s heart is wondering how that happened so fast.

I started a new job this past spring. That meant more money coming in, but it’s also amped up my stress levels. My psychiatrist told me this might not be a good idea. She worried about my mental and emotional stability. I was just coming out of a depressive episode when I applied, and when I received the offer, I was going to turn it down. But again, we needed the income, so I accepted.

All of the stress has taken it’s toll. I cannot keep going this way. I’m tired. I’m sick. I have no motivation to do anything. My body hurts. I’ve got a headache I can’t shake. I have no energy and just want to sleep. But talking with my brother earlier, he asked what has helped in these dark periods. I answered: writing.

So here I am, laying it all out there for anyone to read. This is just a piece of what a depressive episode can look like. This isn’t the most hopeless I have felt. I’m not presently suicidal. I’m not wanting to just disappear. I’ve been in both of those mindsets…the disappearing mindset was not that long ago actually. But right now, I just need a break. I just want to shut out the world, and just stop participating for a while. I just want and need to feel better.

But I also feel so damn guilty. I feel like I’m letting my husband and son down. I feel like I’m letting my employer and coworkers down. I feel like a burden at home and at work, because I’m unable to help at all right now. I’m worried of what’s to come if this continues. I’m afraid I can’t keep going like this. I KNOW I can’t keep going like this.

I’ve called my psychiatrist and talked with her nurse. They’re talking to see what the best plan of action is. For now, I’m just here.