I’m not in a good place. Again. I’ve been asking myself for months now: “Am I depressed?” Sometimes it’s hard to tell because there are days I laugh and smile. But it all seems hollow. Sometimes numb. Many times angry. (Anger is one of the symptoms of bipolar depression.)
Two weekends ago, I plummeted. The Darkness grabbed hold and with full force, pulled me down deep and fast.
(Sidenote: I call depression The Darkness because that’s what it is to me. Please, don’t say what I’m going through has anything to do with “Satan.” Mental illness has nothing to do with demons. Just stop and educate yourself.)
If you read my last blog post, it reveals the hopelessness and despair that overwhelmed me about the state of the world and my fear of the extinction of the human race. I could not let these thoughts go. They circled around and around in my head as the dread got worse and worse. I started thinking: “What’s the point?”
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation. Wanting to disappear. Imagining dying in a car accident. Or by snake bite. Or being murdered. Or taking too many pills. Or drowning. And wondering what it feels like to die and what actually happens next.
On more than one occasion, my loved ones have kept me from going through with ending my life. I often think about the pain my son, husband, and parents would endure, and I don’t want to put them through that.
I know staying here for others isn’t always enough. I know for many, the Darkness blocks out all rational thought and those struggling feel they have no choice but to give in.
Some say suicide is a selfish act. What they don’t understand is the frame of mind that comes with the lowest points of depression.
The Darkness tells lies: “It’s never going to get better. Dying is the only way out. Aren’t you tired of living with hopelessness, pain, and despair? Death will be a welcome relief. No one will even notice anyway. You’re such a downer. They’ll probably even be happy you’re gone. The world will keep turning without you and those who might miss you will soon move on with their lives.”
That damn Darkness. Tricky tricky tricky.
Right now, I can recognize these lies. I do wonder, however, if there will come a time I believe the thoughts and finally take the ultimate plunge. I hope not. It wouldn’t be because of any lack of love for my family. It would be the suffocation by The Darkness convincing me no light will ever shine for me again.
I’m still treading water right now but am surrounded by loved ones who keep me from drowning. I continue to cling to them. They know my state of mind because I talk about it. If I wasn’t open about it, I would surely die. Having a strong support system can be life-saving. I’m grateful for mine.
I’m going away for a little while. Social media is a nail in my coffin, so to speak. The anger, the madness, the disgusting cruelty towards fellow human beings who don’t share your own beliefs. War, climate change, poverty, politics, religion — a million shouting voices falling on deaf ears, because everyone is talking, and no one is listening. So much hate — who wants to live in a world like that? So, you can see why someone in my frame of mind needs to step away from the consistent bullshit social media thrives on and uses to influence the world.
If you’ve been struggling as I have, let me share what got me through a few days ago.
I was sitting outside with my son who has seen me struggle for nearly 20 years. I was bent over watching my tears hit the dirt ground between my feet, thinking about what my death would do to my sweet son, and feeling guilty about even thinking about it. Lyrics from the song 1-800-273-8255 by Logic came to mind:
I want you to be alive, I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today, you don’t gotta die
“I will not die today,” I said to myself and to my son. “Not today.”
Right now, each day I have to tell myself, I will not die today. So, I’m telling you too: Don’t die today. Hold on to something you love. Maybe it’s a person or memory or song or pet or color. Let’s just focus on that one thing and decide, today that’s what I’m living for. Cause if I die, I have to let that go, too. So, let’s just hang on. Today, let’s decide to not give up. Let’s not think about tomorrow. Today, let’s decide to live.
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now
Signing off for now, lovelies. Be good to each other. I wish you well.
If You Know Someone in Crisis call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (para ayuda en español, llame al 988). You can also contact the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services provide 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. – National Institute of Mental Health
Amanda Jewel Warren 