The Darkness swallowed me up a couple of days after I wrote my last blog post. I thought I was getting better and then on Tuesday BAM! Down I went. I couldn’t even get out of bed on Thursday. Luckily my sweet husband took care of me. (I don’t know how he does it. He’s the most patient and loving man I’ve ever met, and I’m beyond lucky to have him.)
Fortunately, my next appointment with my psychiatrist was that Monday. When my doctor asked me how I was doing, I told him I was having intrusive thoughts about worthlessness.
You’re useless. You can’t even take care of yourself. Your husband works so hard. You can’t even hold down a job. You’re drowning in debt and bringing nothing but stress to your family. What do you contribute? Nothing. Your husband should leave you. You’re pathetic.
He told me that was the depression talking, and I agreed. He told me to count my wins, even if it was getting out of bed, doing a load of laundry, or going outside for a few minutes. He said it all counts. He’s a great doctor.
We talked about adding another medication to my regimen. Anytime we talk about medication, he always says: “You’re the captain. I’m just the first mate. I’ll give you the options, and you tell me what you want to do.” Told you: great doctor.
I told him I wanted to wait a little while. I’m scheduled to meet with a new therapist, and I wanted to see how that might help. I know I can learn coping skills, and also work on the grief and trauma I’m aware are contributing to this heaviness that won’t entirely leave. He said he thought that was a good idea.
We decided to schedule our next appointment for six weeks out to see how I connect with this new therapist and if things improve for me. If I’m still struggling to maintain balance, we will try to add another medication that is supposed to help with bipolar depression. I’m hoping things will be significantly better by then.
Over the past week, my mood has improved. I attribute it to increasing the dosage of my current antidepressant along with tracking my moods. I’m also trying hard to maintain healthy habits, do more things I enjoy (even though I’m still at home most of the time), and get as much sunshine as I can. (I should probably be outside instead of writing this blog, but I wanted to give an update.)
And I’m still not on social media unless you count job searching on LinkedIn. I guarantee that’s making a big difference in my state of mind, as well. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I’m still alive, doing okay, and taking it a day at a time.