As I’m walking through my healing journey, I am surprised at the things in my life that are revealing themselves to me. I am recalling people, places, and events in my past that I had either forgotten or hidden way. I am becoming aware of things that impacted me as a child.
Now that I’m grown, I can reason away childhood emotions, because I can see things from an adult point of view. As an adult, I can completely understand the actions of the adults who played roles in my life.
But the little girl I was then did not understand the “why” when having these experiences. She could only feel the emotions inside her. And anything she felt she couldn’t express got stuffed down and tucked away. This issue first came up in therapy a few weeks ago, and memories and repressed feelings have since started pushing to the surface.
Therapy is expensive, so since I’m no longer working (I haven’t been since September of last year due to a nervous breakdown), and I’ve spent all my savings in order to pay bills, I am having to find alternative ways to work through all this. In my search, I have found some amazing books, videos, and podcasts.
Several days ago, I stumbled upon the Instagram page for Fully Human Healing which led me to The Self-Healer’s Podcast. I sat down and really started listening to it two nights ago. I grabbed my coloring book and pencils (my way of focusing while creating), and I listened to part one of the latest recordings. The host of the podcast and her twin sister talked about how they reached their breakthrough moments in healing the little girl within them. So much of what was said hit home.
Then, yesterday while I shopped for groceries, I put in my earbuds and listened to the second part of the recordings. I almost cried in the middle of the store as my little girl self related to the stories being shared. I started to understand the depth of the longing within me. I can only begin healing by acknowledging the experiences and validating the emotions of my childhood. The only way I can grow and heal as an adult is to first connect with and love the little girl in me.
So last night, I listened to two more earlier sessions of The Self-Healer’s Podcast, and I colored while I listened. Much of what was talked about dealt with breathwork, meditation, yoga, sound healing, scream therapy, reiki, and others. A lot of these things I am already familiar with, but have never really used to aid in my healing journey; however, I will be learning more about them to incorporate some of them on my path to healing.
Now, I can already hear some of my Christian friends and family thinking I’m being misled. This is not of Christ. Those things are not in the Bible. You don’t need anything, but God. Just be in his word daily, and he will heal all this for you. You just have to have faith. And on and on and on. *sigh*
Yes, Jesus heals. I know this. He also walks with us through the hard stuff, and in ways most people can’t or won’t imagine. I’m not looking for another “religion,” I’m looking at methods to dive within for deep healing. And I couldn’t imagine leaving him out of any of it, because I’ve been down that road before. Jesus / Yeshua is the reason I am alive today.
This morning, I tried listening to online church sermons, but it all felt so misguided, the same ole same ole religiosity: Westernized Christianity. The belief that God is judge first. Jesus saves us from God’s wrath. Only through Jesus are we worthy enough to be in God’s presence. Until you choose to be saved, you aren’t God’s child; you’re his enemy. If you aren’t baptized, you’ll go to hell. And once you’re saved you have to act, talk, and be a certain way or you fall out of God’s favor. All the crap that made me leave Christianity in the first place.
So, I started searching through podcasts. I needed truth! Something that spoke to that inner most part of my spirit. Something to lead me into the new awakening I received while being with my Granny as she left this life. All the podcasts listed under Christian podcasts were just the same old regurgitated stuff that left my soul feeling tired and dried out. Then, I typed in “spirituality” and began to scroll. I wasn’t looking for religion. I was looking for the real living God. Enter: The Messy Spirituality Podcast.
I was a little hesitant at first. I know spirituality can mean all kinds of beliefs. I scrolled through the episodes and found “The Mediation of Jesus Christ.” It was a two-part show interviewing Dr. C. Baxter Kruger. I had never heard of him, so I started reading the description and my eyes fell on “a native of Prentiss, Mississippi.” I was like, “Whaaaat?” So of course, as a native Mississippian, I was curious about what he had to say.
My spirit reveled in the words he declared–things I knew to be true deep within myself. God is Father first, not judge. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all in one. We were created through Jesus who was in God by the power of the Holy Spirit—created in TRUE LOVE, not love you have to be good enough for or to ask to receive. God already is LOVE, and he lives within every single person. He has a plan for each of us, and he takes our mistakes and weaves them into the story he has written for our lives making things good and beautiful despite our faults. We were created to create alongside him. He loves to be right there with us. We cannot change his faithfulness. We cannot fall out of his love. He—the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as ONE—is in us, in love, in light, through everything.
And there was so much more that he talked about that made me smile through tears. (I will be looking into more of his writings and teachings, and I encourage you to do the same.) Listening to this podcast made me want to scream, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO EARN GOD’S LOVE!” over and over. And to everyone who has ever been turned away, because they had been told they weren’t good enough, I want you to know YOU ARE LOVED. PERIOD.
Love. Love is the core of who I am and what I have always craved. From birth, as a little girl, as a young lady, now in the present…and even unto death, love is what drives me in everything. I already know that my healing will deal with my desire to be loved, to have chased love, to have felt unworthy of love, and to learn how to genuinely love myself…the way God already loves me. It’s going to be a long, heart-wrenching journey as I heal the little girl within. But I’m ready to work alongside My Love and My Light, so I can be healed.