Living with bipolar disorder. Working through trauma. This is my story.
I stood up, turned around, and gasped. Frozen in fear, I watched a black snake slither twelve feet in front of me... I was afraid to move or make a sound... Little did I know that moment was a foreshadowing of things to come.
Bipolar depression is especially crippling, and I have had a history of being bedridden anywhere from a few days to a few weeks because of it... This alongside instability, irritability due to sensory overstimulation, memory problems and anxiety have cost me more jobs than I care to count.
I almost cried in the middle of the store as my little girl self related to the stories being shared. I started to understand the depth of the longing within me. I can only begin healing by acknowledging the experiences and validating the emotions of my childhood. The only way I can grow and heal as an adult is to first connect with and love the little girl in me.
I have let fear take control of me. At one point I thought I was fearless, but somehow, I let it creep and settle in and make itself at home within me. I’m hoping—no, I know—as I continue healing, I will become fearless once again.
My body, mind, and soul feel the need to breathe deep, focus on some self care, and create new things.
Over two decades of pushing down emotions, blocking out memories of abuse, fighting my mood disorder while trying to slap on a happy face? Yes, it's only right that this is my new word for the new year.
I had a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago that led me to a deep, dark place that scared me. I understand why people advise not to write publicly about things you've not yet healed from. Reliving these situations has left me feeling raw and exposed. While I plan to continue sharing, I am going to have to be careful how I go about it.
Amanda Jewel Warren 