I asked again to receive my word for the year. After a moment of darkness laced with colors, I saw the outline of a sparkling purple butterfly. This faded as it flew away. Then, the darkness opened up to a wolf standing on the edge of a cliff, mouth open, panting, looking around at the scenery of a desert. This then faded, and it got dark. Just completely black.
My life was turned on its head in 2019. What I held true crumbled around me. It’s been an unsettling period of growth. A period of learning while unlearning. A period of grief and healing. A period of seeing where I’ve been and rediscovering who I am, what I believe/think, and which direction I want to go.
Ever have one of those mornings when everything that can go wrong, does go wrong? So, I'm using a filter to help me force a smile, cause damn! This morning kicked my ass. But I'm thinking it was to get my attention.
If you're in a place of darkness, where your hurt feels suffocating and you can see no way of it ever being better, please, please reach out to someone who can help. A friend, a family member, a therapist or counselor. Don't struggle alone. Don't give up.
In previous relationships, that was exactly what I was taught. I wasn't good enough. I had to earn respect. I had to perform to be loved. I had to make the other person happy through what I could do for them. Otherwise, I was worthless and unworthy.
What has happened to me? I used to be a social butterfly, but after my emotional/mental breakdown last fall, I've become nearly reclusive.
Bipolar depression is especially crippling, and I have had a history of being bedridden anywhere from a few days to a few weeks because of it...
This alongside instability, irritability due to sensory overstimulation, memory problems and anxiety have cost me more jobs than I care to count.