Living with bipolar disorder. Working through trauma. This is my story.
I stood up, turned around, and gasped. Frozen in fear, I watched a black snake slither twelve feet in front of me... I was afraid to move or make a sound... Little did I know that moment was a foreshadowing of things to come.
I asked again to receive my word for the year. After a moment of darkness laced with colors, I saw the outline of a sparkling purple butterfly. This faded as it flew away. Then, the darkness opened up to a wolf standing on the edge of a cliff, mouth open, panting, looking around at the scenery of a desert. This then faded, and it got dark. Just completely black.
My life was turned on its head in 2019. What I held true crumbled around me. It’s been an unsettling period of growth. A period of learning while unlearning. A period of grief and healing. A period of seeing where I’ve been and rediscovering who I am, what I believe/think, and which direction I want to go.
Ever have one of those mornings when everything that can go wrong, does go wrong? So, I'm using a filter to help me force a smile, cause damn! This morning kicked my ass. But I'm thinking it was to get my attention.
If you're in a place of darkness, where your hurt feels suffocating and you can see no way of it ever being better, please, please reach out to someone who can help. A friend, a family member, a therapist or counselor. Don't struggle alone. Don't give up.
That's the true nature of bipolar disorder. It's a treacherous, lying beast. It makes me feel like a superhero who flies around saving the world by sheer willpower and strength. Then BAM! It sucker-punches me in the gut and sends me spiraling into oblivion with one fell swoop. Enter in my arch-nemesis, The Darkness.
Any efforts I made in trying to make things better were failed attempts, because the hurt was too much for even me to handle. It was ALL out of my control.
Amanda Jewel Warren 