Recognizing that I was triggered this week was actually a step in the right direction. That's one of the ways bipolar is managed. Years ago, I would not have been able to do this.
I’m not perfect... And while all of the things I have been through may have affected my emotional and mental health, they don’t excuse the bad behavior or the pain I also inflicted on others. Those are things I am still dealing with...
I thought since I'd forgiven my abusers, I had moved on. I figured it was settled, over, and done... But when I start to scratch beneath the surface, I can feel the storm still raging within me. All the issues I've had over the years stem from the aftermath of abuse.
He didn't just physically assault me; that happened sporadically. Every day he demolished my spirit, controlled my mind, dug a grave for my self-esteem, and buried me with his words. I became a prisoner to be ruled, an unworthy subject that was handpicked by the king himself, who allowed me to be a part of his kingdom.
That's the true nature of bipolar disorder. It's a treacherous, lying beast. It makes me feel like a superhero who flies around saving the world by sheer willpower and strength. Then BAM! It sucker-punches me in the gut and sends me spiraling into oblivion with one fell swoop. Enter in my arch-nemesis, The Darkness.
Sometimes it takes a change of perspective to change our plans. Sometimes it takes similar situations in others for us to really look at ourselves.
Sometimes you have to look back at where you’ve been to where you are now to realize where God was during those times. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. And now I can see clearly, he was and is always with me.