At the end of each year, I take some time to pray and meditate in order to find my focus for the coming new year. My word for 2020 was “rest.” I had no idea a pandemic would give this word new meaning.
For two weeks in the spring, my husband and I “rested” at home as his company furloughed and I transitioned from one job to another. Those two weeks brought us even closer together, as we talked, laughed, danced, lay in the sun, and reveled in each new day. We loved every second of our “staycation.”
When I started the new job shortly after, I tried everything I could to settle in and make it work, but I didn’t even last six months before my mental health forced me to leave. From then until now, I have been “resting” at home in order to remain as mentally and emotionally stable as possible. Self-care has been priority number one.
So last week, while seeking a new word for 2021 through prayer, I should not have been surprised by the word I audibly received. I must admit, I was wanting something different, perhaps geared towards my writing goals or making an impact on others. I tried to dismiss that word, but as I drifted into a meditative state, I saw the word in my mind in big white bubble letters: H E A L .
Of course. Doesn’t it make sense? Over two decades of pushing down emotions, blocking out memories of abuse, drowning in the struggle to maintain some normalcy while fighting my mood disorder, wrapped in failing to keep up with societal expectations and financial obligations while trying to slap on a happy face? Yes, it’s only right that my new word for this new year is “heal.”
As I sat with my new word, I realized it extends past just my mental health. It involves the healing of my broken heart. Not only am I still grieving the passing of loved ones, but also the crumbling of a close friendship I thought would last forever. (Should’ve known 2020 was gonna be hell when it started with this one.)
I also realized that my spiritual self is in need of healing. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that the experience I had as my Granny left this life shook me to my core.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love my Jesus, my Yeshua. I cannot deny the things he has done for me, and I know he loves me, and I love him. But I cannot put my God in a box again. The watered down god that people check the Sunday social box with, the judgmental god people beat themselves up with to try to prove worthiness, or the hate-filled god that people judge others with is not the God that came into the room when my Granny drew her last breath. I can no longer hold onto where I used to be, because I can’t find the place I was before this experience.
Yet as I continued meditating, I realized not going back doesn’t mean I have to stay where I am. Healing spiritually means moving forward, developing and growing differently, and letting my Love lead me where he knows I will flourish.
And THAT is what could happen in EVERY aspect of my life as I focus on my word for 2021.
Heal: to become whole or sound; mend; get well; cure; restore; reconcile.
This may be my most difficult word yet. It most certainly will have the biggest impact on my life. I’m terrified and hopeful of what’s to come. Cheers to love and healing in 2021, y’all.