Just a writer sharing her thoughts, life, and journey.
Why? Why on earth did I get up from the table? I could have sat in my little corner and said, “Good to see you” or let her take the reins of the conversation. But now, standing there with wide eyes and shaking hands, I feel myself slipping into the skin of the person I used to be (aka who I think they expect me to be), but it no longer fits.
We still have time to make changes, save our home, and better the world. But time is drawing near to there being no way of going back.
I stood up, turned around, and gasped. Frozen in fear, I watched a black snake slither twelve feet in front of me... I was afraid to move or make a sound... Little did I know that moment was a foreshadowing of things to come.
I asked again to receive my word for the year. After a moment of darkness laced with colors, I saw the outline of a sparkling purple butterfly. This faded as it flew away. Then, the darkness opened up to a wolf standing on the edge of a cliff, mouth open, panting, looking around at the scenery of a desert. This then faded, and it got dark. Just completely black.
My life was turned on its head in 2019. What I held true crumbled around me. It’s been an unsettling period of growth. A period of learning while unlearning. A period of grief and healing. A period of seeing where I’ve been and rediscovering who I am, what I believe/think, and which direction I want to go.
In previous relationships, that was exactly what I was taught. I wasn't good enough. I had to earn respect. I had to perform to be loved. I had to make the other person happy through what I could do for them. Otherwise, I was worthless and unworthy.
I almost cried in the middle of the store as my little girl self related to the stories being shared. I started to understand the depth of the longing within me. I can only begin healing by acknowledging the experiences and validating the emotions of my childhood. The only way I can grow and heal as an adult is to first connect with and love the little girl in me.
Amanda Jewel Warren 