Living with bipolar disorder. Working through trauma. This is my story.
In previous relationships, that was exactly what I was taught. I wasn't good enough. I had to earn respect. I had to perform to be loved. I had to make the other person happy through what I could do for them. Otherwise, I was worthless and unworthy.
What has happened to me? I used to be a social butterfly, but after my emotional/mental breakdown last fall, I've become nearly reclusive.
Bipolar depression is especially crippling, and I have had a history of being bedridden anywhere from a few days to a few weeks because of it... This alongside instability, irritability due to sensory overstimulation, memory problems and anxiety have cost me more jobs than I care to count.
I almost cried in the middle of the store as my little girl self related to the stories being shared. I started to understand the depth of the longing within me. I can only begin healing by acknowledging the experiences and validating the emotions of my childhood. The only way I can grow and heal as an adult is to first connect with and love the little girl in me.
I have let fear take control of me. At one point I thought I was fearless, but somehow, I let it creep and settle in and make itself at home within me. I’m hoping—no, I know—as I continue healing, I will become fearless once again.
My body, mind, and soul feel the need to breathe deep, focus on some self care, and create new things.
Over two decades of pushing down emotions, blocking out memories of abuse, fighting my mood disorder while trying to slap on a happy face? Yes, it's only right that this is my new word for the new year.
Amanda Jewel Warren 